Well I just listened and mildly participated in an engaging conversation with an engaging group of people talking about an engaging topic…namely society, faith, church, recycling and life in general… and though the topics were for the most part well above my head…I was able to conclude that one…I am far too wasteful, two… I don't necessarily believe everything I've ever been told, three… everyone needs to reevaluate what they believe in, four… I am currently wasting my life, five… up until recently I had never realized that although I have tried to be different, I am still the same, and six… my life has a purpose, and that following the bandwagon, and doing what is the accepted norm, what other people want me to do, because its what they think is the direction for my life, and what's good and proper in their eyes, will never actually lead me to a personal understanding of the person of Christ, the meaning of life, and an understanding of purpose, and will never actually allow me to discover who, I, want me to be. I don't want to do something, or become someone, because it's what someone else wants for me. I want to discover, for myself, who I am, and I do not need to follow a prescribed pattern for success…what has worked for "everyone" else… just because its what everyone expects of me. I believe in free will, and that god allows us to make mistakes, and live our lives, discovering who we are, and who he is, so that we can truly have a personal relationship with him…not one built on the beliefs and experiences of those around us. God created each one of us in his own image… completely different, both physically and spiritually, from each other, and doest expect us to follow a prescribed pattern of living, that sacrifices that individuality he has given us, in order to fit a mold that is patterned after what the world and the "church" say is the most successful way to live… and to love, your life, and your God. If anything Christ himself should be the pattern, not some organization, group, or popular opinion, of how a successful and "good" person should behave and live, both their faith, and their everyday life. While having a comfortable life is; appealing, having money is not bad, and being indebted to others is not wise, or good; worrying about "success" and comfort, thinking that the only way to live a life that provides for your needs is to, follow the worlds proscribed path to success, and forgetting that in the long run the plans and concerns of man are nothing compared to the direction and provision of our god, is not only foolish, but bad, and wrong.
So… in all this blathering on, am I saying that doing the norm is bad, that following societies' path is wrong, or some other extremist, sell all your possessions and live in a cave, mumbo jumbo, no. I am simply making the observation that upon evaluating my own life, I have discovered that certain… conventions of society… rub me a bit in the wrong direction. That certain accepted patterns in the way everyone chooses to live, aren't for me.
I've decided that while I like money, I have no burning desire to posses it beyond my needs, and no fear of failing at life, because I have chosen a path that may cause me hardship and want.
I have decided that, while education is valuable, it is not more valuable than experience, and I chose to never put myself in a position where my experience is sacrificed for the sake of education, or for the worries of finance. I would much rather live a life where I can be satisfied with the choices I've made, and the overall environment I find myself in, the experiences I've had, than one where I cannot tolerate my environment or stand the choices I've made (or others have made for me), simply because they were deemed the choices that create the path of least resistance.
For a long time I followed the path of least resistance. I was what some would kindly call… a pushover. In fact, it didn't take me long to discover what the true secret of living a life of least resistance was, letting others live for me. I discovered that letting other people make the decisions and do the work for me, was by far the easiest way to live. I discover I could let my father worry about wear I worked, I could let my parents worry about what I believed, I could let society worry about how I should present myself, and I could let everyone else worry about what was the right path to follow and the correct way to live. Then one day I discovered that I had gotten used to following, and that the world had gotten accustomed to leading, and that I had long since given up the power to chose. I discovered all of this when I started to become uncomfortable with where I found myself, my experiences, as I alluded to them earlier, were being dictated by others. I had discovered that by letting my dad worry about work, I had given him the right to choose when and where I worked, that by letting parents worry about belief I had lost the ability to make my beliefs my own. I realized that while I wanted to be perceived as an individual, my conformity to societies understanding of who I was had taken that individuality away from me. I woke up one day and found that I was living a life I couldn't stand, following a path I hadn't chosen, and striving towards a goal that society had set before me, one I had no certainty was what I desired, and that I no longer new how or even could, stand up to it. I tried and I failed. I am the one who allowed this to happen… I am the one who gave up my rights. I am the one who enjoyed being a child, and upon gaining appropriate years to warrant maturity, was lazy and decided to let others continue living for me, and having lived in this manner for such a long time I found myself unable to confront those things that were controlling my life. I found myself unsure of whom I was, and afraid that it was too late and that I had already given away the rights to my life. That all that was left to me was to act out the play already written, and so, I did something, compulsive, and slightly foolish, but completely necessary, I ran away from my problems. I ran away to have a little "vacation," to prove that I still could make choices, and to demonstrate that I am finally at a place that, while I don't exactly know where I want to be, I can stand up and say this is not it, and then begin to make choices for myself. I left because I was afraid. Afraid that in my struggles to escape from my own built prison I had so damaged the path and the future that you had envisioned me, and that you would be angry and disappointed because I had failed at, and could no longer follow, your path. I left because I needed to think, because I need to make a start at deciphering, what I wanted for my life, and to begin making choices for myself, about who I was and where I wanted to go. I still don't know who I am, and I still don't know where ill be in a year… much less five, but I do know that I'm ready to speak. I have found the courage I needed to stand up and say, No longer; No longer will I follow this path. I am done with silently waiting for my situation to improve. This is my life and my hour, and while I still may need your help at following the path I choose, I don't need you to decide that path for me. It's time for me to make my own choices. It's time for me to worry about what happens next. I might still need your kindness, and I will always need your love, but its time for you to stop worrying about my future, and start living your own.
So hear I am without a definite path… without a rock solid future… with only some tentative short term plans, some loose long term goals, and no finite path leading me towards them. But it's where I want to be…living my own life.
